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My reflections on my first fiancee and engagement

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By hardonow [Ignore] at 10,May,18 09:57   Pageviews: 46

On reflection, my feelings about my first fiancee are perhaps unfair.

Despite the fact that, due to the breakup, I had the opportunity to meet and marry a girl with whome I was much more matched and happy, the disappointment at the time of an expected future has left a faint shadow on my heart.

Looking at my descriptions of my and Brenda's behaviour (she was 19 and I was 23)seems to suggest we were a bit naive and/or immature. Her erratic behaviour regarding sexuality was perhaps the result of times when we grew up with no knowledge of the opposite sex, their bodies of how to behave together socially or sexually. She dressed probably still as she always had as a girl and veered from slight sexual display to discomfort and embarassment at another personbeing intimate, seeing parts of her body or naked, stroking her body or even discussing sexual or interpersonal matters. I cannot say I was any more mature. I had no knowledge of girls or experience of relationships with them, but probably was keener to move forwards with the sexual parts of the relationship.

We were both only-ones and working class - she worked in a mill and I was aspiring to complete a degree course as a chemist. She was happy with a terrace house but I hoped for better and there was the same difference regarding clothes, though slowly I encouraged her to dress quite fashionably and well. I think she considered that I was unhappy to accept her as she was.

My parents did not help. The liked her at first, but later became antagonistic towards her. we once parked in our garage some distance from the house but within view. We began kissing and cuddling. Then my Mother was banging on the window saying we were disgusting, what would the neighbours think and get down to the house.

We were Catholics and she was not, and my parents insisted that every Sunday, I go and bring her from her home to attend Mass. I have to admit I did not agree with this behaviour. I believe much was said privately by my Mother to Brenda that was uncomplimentary. After our engagement, my Mother asked her how we intended to get married. Brenda replied we would sell the car, which I drove. "You will not - it is not his car, it is ours'" my Mother replied.

I guess from all this, I cannot blame Brenda for giving up the idea of marriage.


she married about 6-7 years after this event. I did try to contact her by letter a few years ago, to apologise, but I never had a reply.

When I began courting my present wife, I told my Mother after my first meeting, "I am going to marry that girl and if she isn't happy I will change until she is"

My Mother resisted and criticised her clothes and anything else. But, this time I was wiser and resisted and finally married.

Within one month of marriage, my wife was pregnant and my Mother spent her time embarassed and refusing to tell anyone as she thought we had had sex before marriage.

I asked my wife a few years ago, what she would have thought if I had attempted sex during courtship.. Her response was "would it have made a difference?"

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By onthelose [Ignore] at 21,May,18 11:46
I come to this sight hoping to read and communicate with others who have similar life experiences. Itís always nice to find someone who c an converse intelligently. Normally I get one or two word answers for my questions. Hardonow, I have thought the same thing about sex and how we are supposed to be the great lovers everyone looks for. I for one had to learn the hard way and I made many mistakes along the way. Now that I am older I look back and wonder that I ever got laid. I too am shy in some instances, but I have worked hard to overcome this. Because I wasnít good around girls I found other outlets for my energies. I worked on cars and built stuff, which I still do. Maybe you are less shy as a teacher and lecturer because you have preprepared what you are going to talk about .
By hardonow [Ignore] at 23,May,18 11:27
I don't kow why I am not shy in certain circumstances. In a large gathering it would not bother me to stand and announce somethng or give a talk. Yet I find it hard to make friends - I am always afraid of how long the friendship will last or the uppset this would cause to someone. You mentioned that you keep yourself distraced by building things and cars. I bury myself in books and studying. I do free online courses such as philosophy, politics, science, mathematics, history, sociology and so on.

By onthelose [Ignore] at 10,May,18 10:48
I am sure your mother did what she thought was best. Just not for you!!! I guess as long as you are under their roof you are obligated to do as she says but after you are on your own, I think you can do as you like. My mom was a prude, don't know how I was conceived, as twisted as she was sexually.
By hardonow [Ignore] at 11,May,18 14:58
I must thank you for your kind and thoughtful message. It seems that in our young days we were fated to have many failed relationships as a result of our poor knowledge of the facts of life and how to relate to the opposite sex. When you think of how all matters sexual were avoided in those days it does make you wonder how we came about.
I have been married now for 48 years with a son and daughter and am truly happy in our marriage and still am grateful I met such a wonderful girl and woman. Yet I am still puzzzled as to why I still remember a failed realtionship that happened one and a half years before I met my wife. Perhaps I am guilty.
I have always been socially challenged. Some said I was shy, but despite the fact I was a teacher and lecturerer for some 20 years, on a one to one basis I always find conversation difficult. I have a low confidence I presume, and have never had many friends, so I suppose the failure of my early deep relationship has left a lasting impression ans there have not been many since.
My wife tells me that I find small-talk difficult because I don't have much in common with most people. My interests are not those held by many - philosophy, history, literature, calligraphy, ornithology etc.
If you would like to correspond by email I would be pleased. I already do with someone foron SYD. He is 95 and British. We don't discuss sex really, just things we are interested in or whatever we have done since our last email


By up-for-it [Ignore] at 10,May,18 10:35
Sometimes people just do not belong together for life,and yes maybe people are to young to be in a relationship,they have the wrong idea about it.

I believe if people belong together they will be together whatever happens to them or whatever other people think of them

The society we live in has rules, unfortunatly we can't all live according to those rules, they make some happy and others unhappy

I guess we all have to find our own path in life

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