Should I feel guilty? Cheating?

By lickthedick at 30,Oct,09 19:55 Hide

this doesn't make you a bad person because you were not the one who started it. however, you should have guilt for doing what he said in the first place. I would stop before it gets any worse.

By [deleted member] at 03,Nov,09 09:26 Hide

I would stop, but I guess I have too much free time and no boyfriend.

By slipper at 30,Oct,09 22:21 Hide

Faaaaaaaaaar too complex for a simple "yes" or "no" answer here. Can the wife get hurt in the process? If so, for me, that's the main issue. I'm assuming (always a risk) that SHE didn't consent to any of this. If so, it becomes an entirely different ethical issue, imho.

By [deleted member] at 03,Nov,09 09:30 Hide

The married man has been doing this for a long time. I am not the only one he fools around with. I assume if the wife wants to live in a magical world and they are in a perfect relationship... I am not going to stop her. I do live near Disney World and have learned adults can be kids too.

By topspy at 02,Nov,09 02:26 Hide

Moral and ethical dilemma.....

Are you doing something "wrong"???....maybe. I suppose it depends upon your personal philosophy and sense of right/wrong.

Maybe he is in a bad marriage and you are providing him a safe and enjoyable relationship. Our time is short on this planet.

Then again, society also has rules and even if he is okay with cheating on his wife, it doesn't make it ok for the other party (you) to facilitate and engage in it (especially knowing that he is married). There are even some countries where what you are doing is considered to be criminal/illegal....regardless of who "started it". Whether or not that is right/wrong is up for debate as there are many questionable laws, but they were usually imposed for a reason....to discourage unwanted/unacceptable behavior that is detrimental to society. And even if there are not any applicable laws, there is still the unwritten code of conduct that all cultures/societies have, which may vary.

You say you have no "guilt", yet you also take the time and make the effort to solicit the opinions of others on the issue. My impression (right/wrong), is that although you may not feel any guilt, your conscience is still bothering you and you have doubts. I do not know if your doubts are about your behavior or about how your relationship will play out with him....do you have a "future" with him, or is it just for occasional temporary sexual gratification....???

If you were completely without guilt/conscience, that might place you towards the end of the spectrum which more closely associates such persons as being sociopaths.

As "slipper" mentioned, it's very complicated. Yet, since none of the rest of us are involved or have direct knowledge of all of the various factors and circumstances for your given situation, then only **YOU** can be the best judge of whether or not you are doing something right/wrong, and/or if you should feel good or bad about it.

One thing that is for sure....if you already do feel "bad" about it, then maybe you should STOP.

Best of luck...

By oldbugle at 02,Nov,09 03:04 Hide

Excellent analysis!

By [deleted member] at 03,Nov,09 09:48 Hide

Thanks, I guess I am a sociopath. I enjoy using my brain. I been in a relationship were my partner has cheated on me, but knew it the whole time. It would have been nice for him to tell me but I don't believe love blinds you. You know when the other person is cheating and hope they will tell you. I really don't enjoy having a friend tell me, look I am fucking your boyfriend. Friends are important to me, and my partner is that much more.

The married man and his wife must be happy. He tells me he enjoys walking in the mornings with her and they are the best of friends. It just, that he is missing the part of having a closer male bond.

I don't feel guilty because I am helping the married man as well as myself. I don't believe the person who cheated on my ex should feel guilty either because he was just helping him too. I just hope the person cheating should talk with their partner to explain what they need. The married couple case is a bit more difficult because I am not sure how a woman can fulfill a man's role. Please ladies don't hate, I sorry it came out that why.

By topspy at 04,Nov,09 06:52 Hide

Allowing/accepting your partner to "cheat" on you doesn't necessarily make you a sociopath. Most sociopaths cannot understand or project how others might feel and they don't "care".

However, you may be dealing with some other issues as to why you condoned the behavior of your ex. As you said yourself....if you truly felt that it was a good arrangement, then you should have discussed it openly with your partner, rather than hiding your feelings and knowledge of the indiscretions.

I don't "know" you and I am not a psychiatrist or any other type of medical professional, but I get the feeling (right/wrong) that you may have some issues with "acceptance"....or rather of feeling wanted/needed/loved by another person. There is also the "embarrassment factor" where everyone else knows a secret that concerns you, except you are the last one to find out.

Or, you might be truly "open-minded" and be very accepting and accommodating of others, often at the expense of your self.

Do a little soul-searching and ask yourself why you do the things you do, and whether or not those choices are good ones and/or help you to achieve any goals and desires you may have set. What are the motivations, and what are the rewards and results?

By aeroplane at 02,Nov,09 06:33 Hide

I may be in the minority here , but I think that cheating is only bad if there is a feeling of love between the cheat & the cheatee . If it is just physical with no deep emotional bond , then it is no worse than a married man having a wank while his wife is out at the shops !

By [deleted member] at 03,Nov,09 09:54 Hide

Whoa, if this was so then I don't think the word relationship would have much value.

By aeroplane at 03,Nov,09 10:04 Hide

no dont get me wrong.. I am all for loving relationships which also happen to involve sex, but recreational sex with strangers is not in the same category at all. Sex can be enjoyable on a purely physical and none emotional basis .Sex can be a hobby just like golf and you dont need to play golf with the same partner every time for it to be good.

By mailroute at 03,Nov,09 22:56 Hide

yes I see your point, but if you have to lie or hold back info about your golf game or hobby its wrong. so if you lie to your wife or SO then its wrong. And just cause your single doesn't mean you are not liable. I have seen some near death situations where a person said why they fucking with me they need to check their mate I didn't make them cheat. but you aided them in their cause, so in my eyes you are just as wrong as them, unless you didn't know their situation.

By aeroplane at 04,Nov,09 07:07 Hide

well we have to agree to differ on this matter. But you know guilt and strictness with onesself can be a very heavy cross to bear and in the end , for what purpose... ? If it makes you happy then, great , but you seem unhappy. You just have to accept that not everyone shares your moral outlook on life. They are not neccessariily bad people because of that, just different.

By naturist at 03,Nov,09 05:45 Hide

my wife cheated on me with my best friend,left me and shacked up with him,hurt like hell when it happened,so i think cheaters fall into the bad catagory.two people i trusted betrayed me.think of the one who gets hurt when it is discovered,they are the innocent victims of lust.

By [deleted member] at 03,Nov,09 10:00 Hide

Yes, this is where I feel more betrayed from my partner then my friend. My partner should be devoted to me as I am to them. If you feel your friend betrayed you then I guess you weren't friends to begin with. Bros before hoes!

By aeroplane at 03,Nov,09 10:08 Hide

no I think you are wrong here.. just because you have x amount of devotion to your partner, it does not follow that your partner will be devoted to the SAME degree.. the partner may be MORE devoted than you, or LESS devoted than you. Relationships are NOT equal EVER ..one half will always love the other and need the other more than the other half. A relationship is never a coalition of equals. Sorry to be realistic.

By [deleted member] at 03,Nov,09 15:22 Hide

Feels like I am talking to a married person

Everyone has issues of sorts. Having a partner does not mean I am going to die for them. It comes down to respect and trust. Gay people cannot marry in my state, so will put it like this. You can trust your friends but your partner should respect you. You partner is your friend and also a big part of your life. If something is missing in your life and you feel your partner cannot provide it. Tell them and find it elsewhere. There is no point of being unhappy, unless of other reasons. (whatever they maybe) I love the saying, "a man is like a house, there are plenty of them".

By sailor at 03,Nov,09 07:22 Hide

Very good comments by all. If in doubt of what you are doing, a good praactice maybe to put yourself in the others persons place. Kinda like Naturist said.

By [deleted member] at 03,Nov,09 10:03 Hide

live, learn and listen

By topspy at 04,Nov,09 06:35 Hide

It's only cheating if the other person (spouse/partner) doesn't know or hasn't agreed to it.

There are unconventional/open relationships. Both sides agree to the terms and set boundaries of what is allowed and what is not.

By mailroute at 04,Nov,09 23:09 Hide

that's basically all I'm saying.

By neller at 04,Nov,09 07:24 Hide

if you are in love with the person you cheat with then you need to sort it out , see how your new amour feels about things . But if you are both just enjoying a one off casual fling then no harm done. It depends on his motivation ... you have to ask him ..'why do you fel the need to cheat, are you unhappy with your current partner' .. if the answer is yes, then the 3 of you need to sort it out. Guilt however is NOT the route to take.. solving the problem IS.

By topspy at 05,Nov,09 03:12 Hide

Hmmmm...the original poster has deleted himself. I hope he is able to sort things out.

By naturist at 05,Nov,09 03:37 Hide

tx sailor

By watcher2 at 08,Nov,09 09:19 Hide

From a chemist's perspective sex is nothing more than a mixing of fluids culminating in a simple transfer of protein!

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