– Nap Attack vs. Sleeping

If one has ever observed cats at play they may have noted the animal will suddenly and inexplicably stop playing and curl up into a ball and go to sleep. This phenomenon can only be described as a nap attack which humans also are subject to. Being retired allows one to surrender to nap attacks because there is no longer the burden of schedules like getting up at a specific time, feeding the kids, getting to work, eating lunch, more work, returning home, helping the kids with homework (until one discovers the kids are smarter than you), do the household chores, go to sleep, and then repeat the cycle five to six times a week.

When one retires the retiree is absolved from all responsibilities and can be an unabashed lay-a-bout like me. As such, I just love to revel in the drowsy and hypnotic effect of drifting off to dreamland to fantasize about things or places that I have never experienced. I would estimate that half of my dreams are about flying or things related to aviation such as building another plane of my own. Occasionally, my imaginings are so outside my suite of knowledge and experience that I surprise myself. Only yesterday I had a dream that I was part of a “cattle call” where I was competing for a part in an advertisement. There were hundreds of applicants sitting in bleachers writing a poem or jingle for the producers to use for touting the product they were representing. Very weird.

Most people I know require some form of equipment to achieve slumber like a bed, couch or cushions purposefully arranged on the floor. In my case the Lazy Boy lounger is my apparatus of choice. The chair is reclined while I fall asleep to the murmurings of a “Blue Bloods” repeat or Ken Burn's soporific epic “The Civil War”. Sometimes I have difficulty falling asleep so instead of taking a sleeping pill I will listen to recordings of “Gentle Whispering (ASMR) on You Tube (https://www.youtube.com/user/GentleWhispering). The sound of the hosts’ whispers puts me in a hypnotic state where I fall asleep almost immediately; kind of like that boring philosophy class you took as an undergraduate. I usually have “nap attacks” that occur about two in the afternoon when I have completed some of my chores. My lounger calls to me, inviting me to place my once corpulent bottom on its cushions for a time until I’m refreshed or hung over from an incomplete rest.

Sometimes I will force myself to nap when I am terminally bored and have no emotional or physical energy to do anything which, in a sense, is “doing something”. I can initiate a thought that will be a theme for my short slumber which may last for a couple of hours if my dogs will allow it. Gia, the Doberman, will make sure I’m asleep and then poke her wet refrigerated nose in my face for attention or bark at some stranger walking down the street; always with a shameless disregard for my afternoon respite. My wife's attempts at napping are also frustrated by Gia especially when she jumps on the couch for “mommy and me time” just as she drifts off to sleep. Abby, the Golden Retriever, will just stare at me with her big brown eyes while I sleep until I become aware of her presence.

Nighttime sleep presents itself with a different set of problems because of its duration and my spouses chronically cold feet. Just as I cross over to deep sleep she will put her Popsicle toes on my leg like a lizard warming itself on a rock. I usually scream out “Not the feet, please not the feet” in protest. When we were living in Redondo Beach California my neighbor asked me what “not the feet” meant. Apparently, she thought something really kinky was going on and was crestfallen when I explained that it was my objection to my bedmates use of my body as a heat sink. In addition to that impediment to sleep, our bed, at one time, became an instrument of torture. At first it was just fine until the mattress failed to support our contours causing severe intermittent back pain and other problems. So, after a few trips to the chiropractor and a new bed with extra firm mattresses and our problems were resolved.

Our dogs are not afflicted with any kind of sleep disorder, so when they are tired, and will sleep continuously until they are hungry or need to go outside. Even when they are rousted in revenge for disturbing my rest they almost immediately go back to sleep. My dogs sometimes sleep in tandem on their cushion but inevitably one of them will get overheated by the other and remove herself to the floor or the other dog cushion. Gia is the only one that likes the couch but is discouraged from alighting on it. Watching dogs sleep will give the observer an insight to what the animal may be dreaming. Abby sometimes moves here legs in small jerky motions while “yipping” suggesting that she’s running and chasing something. As for Gia, she is silent and motionless, revealing nothing about her nocturnal thoughts.

Napping is a perquisite for the terminally lazy retiree that should be taken advantage of at every opportunity. Yes, one may say there’s plenty of time to enjoy rest when you’re dead but how would one know they were enjoying it? This is Seventy writing to you from Lahaska Pennsylvania, a great place to snooze. Y’all don’t forget to write.