Life in Pennsylvania – Suicidal deer
By Seventy
February 22, 2019

I always will remember,
Twas a year ago November,
I went out to hunt some deer
On a morning bright and clear
I went and shot the maximum the game laws would allow,
Two game wardens, seven hunters and a cow.
Tom Lehrer

Each deer hunting season is defined by the specific kind of weapon used to dispatch the animal and whether the deer is sporting antlers or not. For example, there is a season where one can hunt antlered food using only a muzzle loading rifle. Regular firearms, bow and arrow, flintlock, extended firearms and special firearms distinguish their own seasons. The season for using a motor vehicle for the purpose of slaying deer is year-round and requires only a profound sense of remorse in lieu of a hunting license. If one decides he would like to make dinner of the unfortunate creature, a hunting license is required. Also, there is no limit how many you can exterminate using a car or truck.

As one travels along the thoroughfares of Bucks County, Pennsylvania, it is not uncommon to see the roads littered with the carcasses of deer struck by vehicles. Most of this roadkill can be attributed to a Cervidae’s penchant for crossing a road at night along busy and unlit segments. What’s worse is their predisposition to dart out in front of a car just as it crosses the deer’s intended path of egress. It seems that most feral critters are programmed to avoid predators real and imagined but, for the deer, caution somehow evaporates as the animal approaches a road. Clearly, these creatures are suicidal because, unlike other animals, they do not learn about certain dangers and then pass it on to their progeny. For deer, crossing a road is more important than survival.

Most of what I know about deer demeanor is anecdotal but, it is clear these animals are either depressed or completely oblivious to the dangers around them. If one has observed deer, they will stare back at the viewer with the most vacant gaze imaginable. It’s as if they were on a powerful narcotic that renders them expressionless.
It doesn’t seem to matter what time of day this reckless behavior manifests itself, but nighttime is the most effective period for a deer to do itself in. There is little illumination and there is absolute certainty that any vehicle that strikes the hopeless animal will do the job quickly and efficiently without all that nasty anticipation that precedes most suicides. Just run out onto to a busy road and your troubles are over.

I always thought it was unlikely for me to collide with a deer due to my habit of driving within the posted speed limit. I am, in contrast to my spouse, who could compete with Mario Andretti, a slow and methodical driver who strives to assess road conditions as I motor along. Unfortunately, on the night of February 18, 2019, a deer decided to cross Almshouse Road at the moment my car crossed its’ intended path. The impact registered as a dull thud causing my Prius to shudder slightly, launching the animal upward and away from the vehicle. I don’t know if the animal died on impact, but it seems most likely considering the damage to the right front corner of my car.

The next day I filed a police report as well as an insurance claim, but when I went to the approved body shop for an estimate, I entered a hunter’s convention. “Yup, I got me a six-point buck”, one customer said. “It took off the front of my truck and smashed the windshield. Damn near killed me and the wife”. Sure enough, there was an old Chevy pickup that sustained heavy damage to its’ front end. Not to be out done another customer boasted, “I got me a eight-point buck and I hit it in such a way that I didn’t have to gut it a ’tall. I just called the game warden and got a permit to eat that sucker”. Two more roadkill warriors contributed their stories to the convention when they turned to me. “Hey mister, what ya git?” one rotund gentleman asked. “I got a doe”, I mumbled. “What ya git it wit?”, he said. “A Prius”, I muttered. That was the funniest thing the group ever heard because the room erupted with laughter that didn’t let up for at least five minutes. “He got it wit a Pre-ass! Haw haw!”, one gentleman wheezed. “I bet you gotta Obama sticker on your Pre-ass. Only lefty loonies buy Pre-asses”, another chortled. “If you say so”, I said and then I completed the paperwork to get my ‘Pre-ass’ on the road again. The following day I got a call from the body shop estimator who informed me the repairs would cost three thousand dollars and change. “You can approximate the costs by the animal ya hit” he said with authority. “Bucks cause more damage cuz they’re bigger”, he elaborated. “A mule deer hit head on will usually total the vehicle, while a white tail Buck will only wipe out the front end. You was lucky you hit the doe jest right. I’ll betcha the thing caromed off your car in an upward and outward way”, he said. “That’s exactly what happened” I said amazed.

I remember a radio talk show whose subject matter was the encroachment of civilization on wildlife habitat. One woman complained that deer crossing signs should be placed at lighted intersections so the deer could cross safely. She couldn’t understand why these signs were placed where deer habitually cross unlit roadways. Apparently, this person did not have a full grasp of reality but, maybe we should try it anyway incase deer can read road signs.
This is Seventy writing to you from Warminster Pennsylvania, a great place to get your car repaired. Y’all don’t forget to write.