 | We all need a laugh in these austere times and to forget for a while this mad world that we live in and the politicians who ruin it - and to brighten up the winter blues too, unless you're reading this in Australia.
Please add more if you want. Here's a few to start:-
Last month I joined a fisting club. It has really widened my circle of friends.
* * * *
My girlfriend likes it doggy-style. Its great because she fetches my paper and slippers afterwards.
* * * *
Two fat blokes went to the pub. One said to the other: "You're round."
"You can talk, you fat sod," his mate replied.
* * * *
My dentist has just been voted Dental Surgeon of the Year. But all he got was a little plaque.
* * * *
How do you get four gay men on a bar stool?
Turn it upside down.
* * * *
Dr. Watson was bent over a chair stark naked. Sherlock Holmes came up to him and shoved a lemon up his arse.
"Holmes, what are you doing?" screamed Watson.
"A lemon entry, my dear Watson," replied Sherlock.
* * * *
What do you call it when two lesbians in wheelchairs are in the sixty-nine position?
Meals on Wheels.
* * * *
What do you call a group of lesbians in a house full of dildos?
Squatters.
* * * *
From the depths of the crypt at St. Giles
Came a scream that resounded for miles
Said the vicar "Good gracious
Has Father Ignatius
Forgotten the bishop has piles?"
* * * *
There was a young fellow called Dirk
Who dozed off one day after work
He woke with a scream
When he had a wet dream
And polished it off with a jerk
* * * *
A lady from Texas named Jill
Used dynamite sticks for a thrill
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil
* * * * |
If women are not really your thing
Please don’t try to change
you may have much more range
As a top or a bottom or a something
Whose dick was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
with cum on his chin
If my ear was a pussy I'd fuck it!
Who knew nothing about rhymicks
So he tried like this
And wrote like that
Until someone came and told him the truth to get another job something like selling fireworfireworks.
Who talked such a load of old blarney
'til one fateful day
He got carried away
And choked on his cheese and ham sarnie
Used a dynamite stick for a PHALLUS
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And her asshole in Buckingham Palace.
***************
There once was a man from Madrass
Who's balls were constructed of bass,
When jangled together
They played Stormy Weather
And lightning shot out of his ass!
**************
There was a young man from Peru
Who spent the long night in a canoe
While dreaming of Venus
He jerked off his penis
And shot gobs of milky white goo!
***************
There once was a girl named Molly Brown
Who swore no man could take her down
Then over the hill came PissPotPeet
With 50 lbs of hanging meat.
He laid her down onto the grass
And shoved his meat into her Ass
Molly smiled and cut a fart
And blew his balls 10 miles apart.
Back over the hill limped PissPotPeet
With 50 lbs of fresh ground meat!
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.
Who's cunt was sweet and juicy
The old men would die, the young men would cry
Just for a taste of her pussy
Who went on a day trip to Charmouth
Coming home in the rain
She got on the wrong train
And ended up stranded in Barmouth
* * * *
There was a young lady from Bedford
Who fancied so much Robert Redford
But she could not pronounce "r"
So when she talked of the star
He always got called Wobert Wedford
* * * *
Who always was in such a panic
So she went to the doctor
And, oh boy, he shocked her
When he said: "Your depression is manic."
* * * *
Alnwick (pronounced Annick) is an historic market town with a castle dating from 1096 in the County of Northumberland in the north-east of England
Her mother remarked as she kissed her,
"That fellow you've won,
Is sure to be fun,
Since tea he's fucked me and your sisterr."
Who got caught by his mom when lustin'
While cybering with "hedgethorn"
and looking at hardcore porn
And his daddy gave him a good bustin'
To her husband she couldn't be clearer
So he threw a big party
For Madam Arcati
But Elvira just wouldn't come near 'er
* * *
You have to be a fan of Noel Coward and his play "Blithe Spirit" and the 1945 film with Kay Hammond as Elvira, Rex Harrison as the husband and the incomparable Margaret Rutherford as Madam Arcati, to twig this one
Who was plumbing his girl by the sea
She said stop your plumbing,
There's somebody coming!
Said the plumber still plumbing... It's me!
Sat on a tuffet
Fondling her clit and tits
When along came young Rick
With his big swollen dick
And fucked little Miss Muffet to bits
Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet
Fondling her big clit and tits
When along came young Rick
With his wee swollen dick
And Miss Muffet's clit fucked his ass to bits
Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
For even with Venus
His recalcitrant penis
Would seldom do better than
t
h
i
s.
Who's cunt was sweet and juicy
The old men would die
The young men would cry
Just for a taste of her pussy.
Who designed for a castle its drawbridge
Over which the King dashed
But the bloody thing crashed
And the King said: "Fuck me, that's a poor bridge."
* * * *
p.s. Gorebridge is a place in Scotland in the southern suburbs of Edinburgh. I made this limerick up myself after passing through it on an excursion train from (and back to) London on 30th December 2015. All that way (400 miles or so there and 400 miles back) in a day, my mate and I were knackered on New Year's Eve
He thought his cock was quite small and
He went to a doc
And asked 'whats wrong with my cock?'
Doc said: its no cock, but your clit big and swollen.
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got seduced by a bottle of brown
The top came off and the beer ran wild
she gave birth to a can of mild.
Mary from a mountain glen
got seduced by a fountain pen,
the top cam off and the ink ran wild,
she gave birth to a blue black c h i l d.
When in doubt
Run in circles
Scream and shout!
Who charged two fucks for a penny,
For half of that sum,
You could bugger her bum,
An economy practiced by many.
Went up the hill
Jack had a great big hard-on
He took it out
Jill gave a shout
And said "I beg your pardon"
Jack smiled and said
"My knob's all red
I want to fuck you badly"
Jill moved her hips
Then spread her lips
And took Jack's big prick gladly
* * * *
Were always seen laughing and joking
'til one day in the rain
They were driven insane
When they all got a bloody good soaking
* * * *
There was an old lady from Bickley
Who was always quite poorly and sickly
She went to the doctor
And oh boy! He shocked her
When he sorted her problems out quickly
* * * *
You'd think I'd have gone insane;
But I am still kicking
So I need a licking
So then I can cum like rain!
(Any takers?
If its a success, he's going to write a book about Kent.
* * * *
He gave everyone the willies.
* * * *
golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the
door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you..You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'
Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a
moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie
'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your
wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know,
you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No Kidding,' he said. 'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?' *lix*
Who's cunt was sweet and juicy
The old men would die
and the young men would cry
Just for a taste of her pussy
who as a result of a wager
offered to fart
the whole oboe part
of mozart's quartet in f major
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