'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower..'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied.'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE !'

And they say blondes are dumb....

🤣🤣😈

HUMOR!
CHIEF BOATSWAINS MATE!
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again she was unable to make the step.
About this time a large Boatswain Mate Chief who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,.....
"How dare you touch my body!, I don't even know who you are!"
The Chief smiled and drawled,......
"Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends."

GETTING OLD 👍

1. The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren’t a robot.

2. When a kid says “Daddy, I want mommy” that’s the kid version of “I’d like to speak to your supervisor.”

3. I don’t mean to interrupt people but I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

4. I thought growing old would take longer.

5. It’s weird being the same age as old people.

6. I’m at that delusional age where I think everyone my age looks way older than I do.

7. Just once I want a username and password prompt to say CLOSE ENOUGH.

8. If I am ever on life support unplug me and plug me back in and see if that works.

9. Do you ever wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and think… “That can’t be accurate.?!

10. I see people out there zip lining and mountain climbing and here I am feeling good about myself because I got my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

11. Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.

12. If Adam and Eve were Cajuns they would have eaten the snake instead of the Apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.

13. We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages…Metamucil and Ensure.

14. You know you are getting old when friends with benefits means having someone who can drive at night.

15. Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.

16. After watching how some people wear their masks I understand why contraception fails.

17. Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I am watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

18. For those of you that don’t want Alexa listening in on your conversation they are making a male version….it doesn’t listen to anything.

19. I just got a present labeled, From Mom and Dad, and you know damn well Dad has no idea what’s inside.

20. Now that I have lived through a plague I totally understand why Italian renaissance paintings are full of fat people lying on couches.

21. Now that we have everyone washing their hands correctly…next week…..Turn Signals

SOMETIMES YOU MEET SOMEONE AND YOU KNOW FROM THE FIRST MOMENT THAT YOU WANT TO SPEND YOUR WHOLE LIFE WITHOUT THEM.

REMEMBER HOW WHEN VOU WERE LITTLE VOU COULD JUST RIP OFF VOUR DIAPER AND RUN AROUND NAKED AND EVERVONE THOUGHT IT WAS SO CUTE AND FUNNV? ANYWAY, I NEED BAIL MONEY.

I told my wife I saw a deer on the way to work.
She said how do you know he was headed to work?

When I offer to wash your back in the shower, all you have to say is yes or no.
Not all this "who are you and how did you get in here?" nonsense.

Every, loaf of bread is a tragic story of a group of grains that could have become whiskey but didn’t.
#breadisgood #whickeyisbelter

I don't know why men go to bars to try and meet women. Go to Target. The female to male ratio is like 10 to 1 and they're already looking for crap they don't need.

So Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery.
Daffy turns to Elmer and says: "Is this
Whiskey?"
Elmer says: "Yeth but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank!!"

I once dated a girl with a twin and people always asked me how I could tell them apart... It was simple, Alison painted her nails red and Bob had a beard...