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Started by #688177 [Ignore] 11,Mar,23 03:26
New Comment Rating: 1 Similar topics: 1.===== Joke Of The Day ===== 2.Anybody got a good joke! 3.Tell Us A Joke 4.small hands 5.Joke Central Comments: | ||
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Me, “I bet you’d get a kick out of it!”
Me, “oh anything interesting?”
Mate, “I’m making chess pieces”
Me, “Are you working the Knight shift!”
Mate, “really!”
Me, “I just need to pass the final eggs ham”
Mate, “That’s a small boat, I don’t want to go in it, what if it turns over?”
Me, “I’ll wear it as a hat”
Mate, “it’s too big for a hat”
Me, “But it will be cap sized!”
What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays
put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can
wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water
park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never
have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just
too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut
on a bolt. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress - $5,000. Tux rental
- $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the
time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff
about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your
own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still
be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of
shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in
public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on
your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for
years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes
- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your
legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have
freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache... You can do
Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier!
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate, and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other
Laura, Kate, and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave, and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each
other as Fat Boy, Bubba, and Wildman.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20,
even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything
smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337 A
man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods,
secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people
remembering the same thing!
So, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and to the men
who will enjoy reading.
Me, “Mountains”
Mate, “You find mountings funny!?”
Me, “I find them hill areas”
Me, “Fine, if that’s what you want, just shut, lock & check each door behind you & don’t step on the pavement cracks as you go down the drive”
Me, “Yes Miss”
Teacher, “What is 12+37?”
Me, “Quickly”
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank. "
Passenger: Who?
Cabbie: Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab . . . things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.
Passenger: There are always a few clouds over everybody.
Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete! He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy!
Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.
Passenger: Wow, quite a guy!
Cabbie: Frank never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. His clothing was always immaculate, and shoes highly polished, too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.
Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?
Cabbie: Well, I never actually met Frank.
He died and I married his f***ing wife.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. Edna then took Ralph back to their room.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis, by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself, in the bathroom, with his bath robe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'
Happy Mental Health Day!
You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend...
I've done my part!!
Me, “we could be dealing with a homeopathic killer!”
Me, “Invisibility”
Mate, “That’s not what I’d go for”
Me, “That would be my choice, do I make myself clear”
But I did a background check and none of them are mentally stable.
My wonderful Italian girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me. It as her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sis called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, “I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law to be put down his shotgun, and hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
”The moral of this story: Always keep your condoms in your car!!
Me, “Invisibility”
Mate, “That’s not what I’d go for”
Me, “That would be my choice, do I make myself clear”
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you have sex with me?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" he asks, grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much!"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't."
"I'm begging you..."
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's older sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice, she says: "Dad says to go ahead and have sex with him, or I can do it... or if need be Mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"
The eyes, they dilate.
What are the strongest days?
Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays
We do not need the chinese or the russians interfering in our erections.
she tried to throw it back at me
Apparently if my duvet is stolen in the middle of the night, I’m not covered!
Joey said, "A computer."
The teacher replied, "Yes, Joey, that would be very useful."
Jenny said, "A new lawnmower."
The teacher again replied, "Yes, Jenny, that also would be very useful."
Little Johnny popped up and said, "At my house, we don't need anything!"
Shocked because Little Johnny’s family was quite poor, the teacher asked, “Johnny, your family must need something. Everyone needs something.”
Little Johnny replied, "Nope, I'm sure we don't. When Biden was elected, I clearly remember my dad saying, 'Well, that's the last fucking thing we needed!'
Me, “Can you Samurai-ize it”
Mate, “what, that’s stupid”
Me, “It makes scents when you think about it!”
NAVY CHIEF'S PRAYER FOR SERENITY!
Lord...grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept.
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill today because they got on my nerves.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today,
as they may be connected to the feet I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me always to give 100% at work...
12% on Monday,
23% on Tuesday,
40% on Wednesday,
20% on Thursday
and 5% on Friday
And help me to remember...
When I'm having a bad day and it seems that people are trying to wind me up,
it takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to extend my arm and smack someone in the mouth!
Amen!
so I called the boss and asked if it would be ok to come in late,
he replied “Dream on”,
I thought that was very nice of him!
Thankfully my name in not John!
Mate, “what, that’s stupid”
Me, “It makes scents when you think about it!”
Mate, “Do they like it?”
Me, “I am not sure they can remember long enough, I have showed them 3 times how to drive it, but they are still not interested in having a go”
Me, “Might be your designs are tearable”
Me, “I did drink quite a bit, in-fact I ended up a little peckish and ate all the cat’s medication”
Mate, “Errr!”
Me, “I know, I know, don’t ask meow”
He asks for a condom to be sent to his room,
The person on the desk askes, shall I put it on your bill?
Mate, “I wish I could do that”
Me, “I’d rather you just pet him!”
Apparently it’s there standard naan disclosure agreement!
Doc, “you have broken your leg in 3 places”
Me, “can you show me on a map, so I don’t go there again”
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