Me, “I can make a pun out of anything”
Mate, “it’s not possible to make a pun out of vegetables”
Me, “That isn’t nececelery so”

A man walks into a bar.

On the bar was a large glass jar full of money, with a note on it saying "if you go out back & make my horse laugh you win the jar"

The man goes to see the horse, comes back, the barman sees the horse laughing the man wins the jar.

Some time later the man returns to the bar & a similar jar was there but the note read "if you go out back & make my horse cry you win the jar"

Sure enough, the man went out back, returned with the horse crying.

He collected the prize & was heading for the door, the barman called out "how did you win the first jar".

The man replied "I whispered into your horses ear that my dick was bigger then his"

"well ok, but how did you make my horse cry" the barman asked.

The man replied "I showed him".

Me, “Here you are darling wife, a nice cup of tea”. . . .

Grandson, “Grandad after 65 years, you still call grandma darling, beautiful or honey, what’s your secret?”
Me, “well sonny, it’s got nothing to do with love, I forgot her name years ago & I’m to scared to ask her what it is”

Mate, “I have a date tonight, apparently she is 6’6” tall”
Me, “I bet you can’t wait 2 meter”

Me, "Did I ever tell you I grew up on a house boat & dated the girl next door?"
Mate, " No , what happened?"
Me, "We drifted apart!"

What’s better than 4 roses on a piano?
2 lips on an organ 😂

NEWSFLASH: A prison bus and a cement truck have collided. The prisoners have escaped. The public is warned to be on the lookout for twelve hardened criminals! 🙂

How, about giving Admin some support 🤷‍♀️

👉 /blogs/55554.html 👈

Life's like a corndog. Nobody wants your wiener unless you've got bread.

Mate, “I have been told you have some new tattoos on your arms & shoulders”
Me, “yes only outlines so friends can colour them in”
Mate, “that’s odd”
Me, “now and then, everyone needs a shoulder to crayon”.

Not wearing a mask because of a big nose is no excuse, I still wear underwear!

Me, "I am going to invent a breast implant, that plays music"
GF, "Oh and why is that"
Me, "well your always complaining I keep staring at boobs & dont listen!"

Me, “ you ok mate, you sound a bit odd?”
Mate, “I accidently got spray deodorant in my mouth”
Me, Ah that will explain the weird axe sent!”

Doctor: Sir, you must stop masturbating. Me: Is it because I will go blind?. Doctor: No, it´s because you need to keep still while I´m examining you

Went to the doctor, spent half an hour in the waiting room. Doctor: what seems to be the problem. Me: I have this terrible farting problem and just can´t stop, but at least they are silent so nobody notices. Doctor: Ah yes, you need a hearing aid

Boss, “We really value all your & hard work”
Me, “Thanks, Can I mention my wages an. .
Boss, “We value you in ways that cannot be expressed in money terms”

Bloke went to the doctor and the doctor said: "Hello mate, not seen you for a long while."

"No," replied the bloke, "I've been ill."

I met my wife at a singles bar. Strange as I thought she was at home looking after the
k i d s.

My wife has run off with the lodger and I don't half miss him.

I'm taking the mother-in-law for a walk across the Pennines on Christmas Day. The search parties have got the day off.

I came home last night and my wife was looking at an advert for the world's most expensive fur coat.
She said: "I've got to have that."
So I cut the advert out and gave it to her.

I woke up this morning and Gloria Gaynor was standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.

Me, “I believe one of my friends is really and owl”
Mate, “Who”
Me, “it’s you!”

Me, “ I used to work at a chemical plant, but I had to quit”
Mate, “Why?”
Me, “it was a toxic environment”

Me, “If you ever have the urge to run around naked, spray your self with Windex”
Wife, “why spray yourself with a glass cleaner?”
Me, “It prevents streaking”

Me, “Did you know, Alligators can live up to 50 years”
Mate, “That’s a fair age”
Me, “So if you see one in a ****, there is a chance they will see you later”

Boss, “we have a problem no one else can fix, can you find a solution?”
Me, “Ok I will try thinking, outside the box”
Boss, “are you an unconventional thinker then?”
Me, “No I’m claustrophobic”.

Mate, “Sundays are very depressing”
Me, “If you think Sundays are bad, yesterday was a sadder day”