l told my son that l never wanted to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle, if that ever happens, just pull the plug!!!

He got up, unplugged my computer and threw out my wine!!!

*lix*

Q: How do you make your wife scream when making love?
A: Phone her.

Q: Why do owls never make love when its raining?
A: Because its too wet to woo.

What do you call a woman with one leg?

Eileen

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a really big lighter. He asks the man, “Where did you get such a big lighter?”

The man replies,”See that man playing piano over there? He’s a genie and he’ll grant you one wish.”

So the guy walks over to the genie and says, “I wish for a million bucks.” All of a sudden the room fills up with a million ducks.

The man walks over to the guy with the lighter and says, “That genie is a little hard of hearing isn’t he.”

The guy replies, “No kidding! You think I asked for a 14 inch Bic!”

A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened? She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"

A man goes to the doctor suffering from premature ejaculation. "Can you do anything to help me, doc?" said the man. "No, but I can give you the address of a woman who has a short attention span" replied the doctor.

Bloke went to the doctor and the doctor said: "Hello, not seen you for a long while."

"No," replied the bloke, "I've been ill."

* * * * *

Cliff Accident by Eileen Dover
How To Make Money by Robin Banks
Dog's Food by Nora Bone
The Haunted House by Major Jump

What do you call two gay guys walking down the street with a pram?

A miracle.

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted, "Oi, what's your disability?"
I said, "Tourettes! Now fuck off you cunt!"

Guy went into a fish and chip shop and said to the guy behind the counter: "can you fix this broken down alarm clock?"

Guy behind the counter replied: "is this a wind up?"

* * * * *

Did you hear there's been an outbreak of bird flu in Yorkshire? You should have done, everyone's tweeting about it.

Confucius say: Man who goes to bed with itchy butt wakes up with stinky finger

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep, but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.


She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting,


Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to kip.


A few moments later she said,Then you used to kiss me.


Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to try and kip again.


Thirty seconds later she said. Then you used to bite my Neck.


Pissed off he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.


Where are you going.the wife asked


To get my fucking teeth.

A guy goes to his local clinic about a severe rash on his balls. The nurse who examines him, says You’re going to have to stop wanking,he says Why? She says Because I’m trying to examine you..

What do you find when you go down on Halle?

Did you know 80% of all Chinese have cataracts? The other 20% drive rincons and chevrolays!

At a secretarial job interview, there was only one question.
The first girl was asked;

"If you were working here, and found out that a new client have over paid our company a hundred thousand pounds, what would you do?

The girl replied, "well I would ring them and tell them of their mistake and forward a cheque to them ASAP, this will show them that they are dealing with an honest company and will have confident in future dealings with us".
Good answer murmured the directors.

Same question to the second girl.
"Well I would straight away bank the over payment and leave it to the client to contact us, only then will I repay the amount hoping while the money in our bank would make some form of interest which is good for the company".
Good answer murmured the directors.

Same question to the third and final girl.
"Well I would consult my superior and let him/her deal with such complex situation, because he/her will have much more experience then me".
Good answer murmured the directors.

Who did the company hired?

The blond with big tits and long legs.

Life is a lot like toilet paper. You're either on a roll.....or you're taking shit from some asshole..........BONG!!

Q: What do you call a very rude bird?
A: A mockingbird!

Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

My wife is such a lousy housekeeper that every time I want to piss in the sink it's full of dirty dishes.

Q: What's the difference between a prostitute and the Eiffel Tower?


A: Not every kerb crawler has been up the Eiffel Tower


Q: What's the difference between a prostitute's legs and the Windmill Theatre?


A: Nothing, because they're both never closed


* * * *

Q: What's the difference between pussy and parsley?

A: Not everyone eats parsley.

If you think sex is a pain in the ass...you're doing it wrong. Flip over

If a bull swallowed a bomb, would it be abominable?

Ron: One time me and my buddy walked into a bar and he says


Friend: Man, the place would be better, if there wernt so many queers.


Ron: Okay, next time you have a thought, just let it go. And listen to me, when I say this. We're ALL gay. It's to what exent are you gay.


Friend: Thats bullshit, im not gay at all.


Ron: Yeah you are, and i can prove it.


Friend: Fine, prove it.


Ron: Okay, do you like porn?


Friend: Yeah I love porn you know that.


Ron: Okay, do you only watch the scenes with two women together?


Friend: No, I'll watch a man and a woman makin' love.


Ron: Okay, do you prefer the guy to have a small, half-flaccid penis?

Friend: No, I like big hard throbbin' COCKS................I did not know that about myself.

What does a blonde do with her asshole in the morning?

Pack his lunch and send him to work....

Thieves broke into Scotland Yard last night and stole all the toilets. Police say at the moment they've nothing to go on.