There is a couple and she likes watching cooking shows, He said why do you always watch those shows... you ain't even a good cook. She replies.. why do you always watch porn?

I was walking down the street with an ex one night. We turned a corner and a little further down the road, we saw a group of men attacking her mother.

We stood staring for a couple of seconds, before my ex asked ''Aren't you going to help''?

''No'', I replied, ''It looks like they're managing ok''.

A man walks into a butcher's shop, orders some bacon then says "Where's your assistant?"
The butcher replies "I sacked him"
The man says "Sacked him, why?"
The butcher replies "He kept sticking his dick in the bacon slicer!"
The man, shocked, says "So wheres your bacon slicer??"
The butcher says "I fuckin' sacked her as well!!"

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept confidential and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

you take your dog and your wife lock em both In the trunk of your car then come back in 3 hours and see who is wagging their tail happy to see you....

LMAO

What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
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A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?' I said ‘No, six should be enough.'

How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her? She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

The problem with origami is two fold

* * * *

I've got an interview with a mirror factory today. I can just see myself working there.

* * * *

First person: Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. Do you know what it is?

Second person: I've no clue...

First person: They should both be changed regularly… and for the same reason.

________________

Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?

A: Senator.

_________________

Q: Whats the difference between a politician and a snail?

A: One is slimy, a pest, and leaves a trail everywhere and pretends to be doing something good for you; the other is a snail.

_________________

Q: What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow?

A: You can't milk a cow for over 10 years.


_________________

Q: Why is Trump is a bad subject for comedy?

A: He’s shallow and played out, and already what people expect from the comedy about him is bad.

Have you ever watched True Detective series? There was an episode, when the policemen were sitting at an office, and one of them asks another one:

FIRST GUY: Do you know how to call a black guy riding a plane?
SECOND GUY: ... [thinks] ... [thinks] ... [thinks] ... ????
FIRST GUY: A pilot, you racist!

Q: What’s the difference between my car's tire and 365 used condoms?

A: One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.


______


Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?


A: Kick his s1ster in the jaw.


_____


Q: What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check?

A: Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.

______


Q: Why do women have orgasms?

A: Just another reason to moan, really.

Men's Pearls of Wisdom


🌾1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose.


🌾2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.


🌾3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.


🌾4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'


🌾5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.


🌾6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.


🌾7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.


🌾8. Virginity can be cured.


🌾9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.


🌾10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.


🌾11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.


🌾12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sl.eep with the enemy.


🌾13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?

A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.


🌾14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......


🌾15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?

A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't


🌾16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.


🌾17. Despite the old saying, ' Don 't take your troubles to bed', many men still sl.eep with their wives!!


🌾18. Breasts are proof that men can focus on 2 things at a time

The earth is a sphere, what a joke! /forum/thread.php?id=25895#264

Did you hear about the Egyptian mummy they found embalmed in chocolate and nuts? They think it is Pharoah Rocher...

A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar. The bartender takes one look and says, "what is this??? A joke??"

BEAUTY PARLOUR
A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS
The only animal you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage.

INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN
A grape with a sunburn.

S3CRET
A story you tell to one person at a time.

TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES
Something other people have similar to my character lines.

OLD
I very quietly confided to my friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?". And that, my friend, is the definition of old.

In youth, the days are short and the years are long. In old age, the years are short and days long.

A woman was standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off.
A homeless drunk stopped and mumbled,
If you're about to kill yourself, how about a shag before you go
The woman was angry and said,
Now FK Off you filthy old bastard.
The tramp turned to leave and said,

No problems, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then

A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a bitch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."

The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."
He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"

The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"

Did you hear about the dog that got arrested for cocking his leg to have a piss?

He asked for 100 other fences to be taken into consideration.

* * * *

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the

custody of their **** posed a problem. The mother

leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since

she brought the **** into this world, she should

retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of

his ****, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair

and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a

vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi

belong to me or the machine?"

---------------------------------------------------------

A man walked into a bar and ask the barmaid " How much for a Slow Confortable Screw?" And she said " $3.50" and I said "Oh, That cheap?"

-----------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the restaurant that promotes safe sex? They write the bill on a condom so you can wine and dine your date, and then stick her with the bill.

-----------------------------------------------------------

A man walks in to a restaurant and the waitress asks "Can I get you anything" and he says " Yea I'll have a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead" she said " I ment to eat" and he said "So did I"

THE CANDY BAR JOKE 😄😄😄 One day MR.Goodbar wanted a Bit-of-Honey so he took MS.Hershey behind the Power House on 5th Avenue were he began to fill her Mounds which were Almond Joy.She let out a Snicker as his Big Hunk slid up here Milky Way.The results were a Baby Ruth

On a cold winter day, we all can
see your vapor when you breath, exhale, and speak...

THANK THE FUCKIN GODS WE CAN'T SEE VAPOR WHEN YOU FART.

The President of the United States wrote a one page letter yesterday in flawless English that contained no mistakes at all.

It's believed that most people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but lots of people in Abu Dhabi do.

Man walks into a bar with a Giraffe and they spend the whole evening drinking.

Man goes to leave, barman shouts: Hey, you can´t leave that lyin´there.

Man: it´s not a Lion, it´s a Giraffe

I'd never go out with a tennis player. Love means nothing to them

Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

 Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A: A wet nose.

 Q: What is the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynecologist?
A: A Genealogist looks up your family tree, whereas a Gynecologist looks up your family bush.

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
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And another one
______________________
A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, widower, with 11 grandchildren. Last night I met two beautiful flight attendants. They took me home and I made love to both of them. Twice.” The priest says, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?” “Never Father, I’m Jewish.” “So then, why are you telling me?” “I’m telling everybody!”

A girl went fishing with two guys and came back with a red snapper...

Archaeologists recently uncovered the remains of an Egyptian mummy, covered in chocolate. An expert identified the remains as definitely being those of Pharaoh Rocher.

I once went out with an inflatable doll but when I ended it, I let her down gently

Dentist: You are going to feel a small prick in your mouth.
Me: Don't you want to buy me dinner first?
Hygienist:
Me:
Dentist:

I'm not allowed back there any more