Why do all alter boys have that hairstyle with the straight part down the middle?

Because the priest likes to stroke the hair that way..

No offense intended. I was raised Catholic.

What did the blond man say to the other blind man?......long time no see? lol

Why did the hippy not believe in the Mississippi

Because hippies don´t marry

Nurse: Sir, you really must stop masturbating

Me: Is it because I could go blind?

Nurse: No, it´s because I´m trying to examine you

Did you hear about the cat that caught coronavirus?
Don't ask me 'ow.

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A fairground worker recently got the sack. He is suing his bosses for funfair dismissal.

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I went to the liquor store yesterday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in my bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I should fall off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I decided to drink the bottle of Scotch before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home!

Three elderly ladies were sitting on a park bench. Suddenly a guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed them. Two of the ladies had a stroke, the third couldn't reach....

I bought my sneakers off a drug dealer. I don't know what they are laced with, but I've been tripping all day.

A man sees a sign outside a house:
'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk"...? He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story"...?
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired"...!
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply"...?
"Because he's a lying cunt. He's never been out of the garden"..

In the restroom at the restaurant we were at last night there was a sign on the wall that said "Employees must was hands" After waiting 15 damn minutes I got fed up and washed em myself.

Harris/Biden!!!

Interview with a pirate

Interviewer: Sir, you seem to have a wooden leg

Cap´n Beard: Aaar, that would be from exchange of cannon fire on the Spanish Main

Interviewer: Sir, you also seem to have a hook for a hand

Cap´n Beard: Yahaar me hearties, that were swordfighting where i lost me hand fighting for treasure

Interviewer: Sir, you wear an eyepatch

Cap´n Beard: Yaar, a seagull!

Interviewer: Ehh???

Cap´n Beard: Aye, flew over me head and shat. So I scratched me eye.....

Why can´t your nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot!

Q: What's the difference between pussy and parsley?

A: Not everyone eats parsley.

There is a couple and she likes watching cooking shows, He said why do you always watch those shows... you ain't even a good cook. She replies.. why do you always watch porn?

I was walking down the street with an ex one night. We turned a corner and a little further down the road, we saw a group of men attacking her mother.

We stood staring for a couple of seconds, before my ex asked ''Aren't you going to help''?

''No'', I replied, ''It looks like they're managing ok''.

A man walks into a butcher's shop, orders some bacon then says "Where's your assistant?"
The butcher replies "I sacked him"
The man says "Sacked him, why?"
The butcher replies "He kept sticking his dick in the bacon slicer!"
The man, shocked, says "So wheres your bacon slicer??"
The butcher says "I fuckin' sacked her as well!!"

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept confidential and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

you take your dog and your wife lock em both In the trunk of your car then come back in 3 hours and see who is wagging their tail happy to see you....

LMAO

What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
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A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?' I said ‘No, six should be enough.'

How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her? She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.