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Started by #423718 [Ignore] 26,Feb,14 03:52
New Comment Rating: 5 Similar topics: 1.===== Joke Of The Day ===== 2.Anybody got a good joke! 3.small hands 4.Joke Central 5.It just a joke Comments: | ||
He'd fallen asleep in the chemist shop.
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The first lady asked how you die she said i came home home sure of my husband cheating on me and just knew he had another woman in the house so i ran upstairs looking in all the closets and under the beds then i ran down stairs looking in the basement by time i got back up stairs i was exhausted and kild over dead of a massive heart attack.
the first woman said if you would have looked in the fridgerator we both would still be alive.
It just reaches the back of her babysitters throat..
I was shagging this married bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said, It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door
Thinking back, I really should have legged it – but you don’t get offers like that every day.
The wife said to me last night. “If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the arse.
Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on
for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly White society.In fact he pointed out,some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural
and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.
After the curator left, a Yorkshire-man approached the couple and said, would you like to know what the painting is really about?
Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery? asked the couple.Because am the guy who painted it, he replied. In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all in this painting.
They're just three Yorkshire coal-miners. The guy in the middle just went home for lunch.
Mortified, the ventriloquist starts to apologise profusely but again the blonde bimbo interrupts him. "Not you, dickhead," she shouts, "I'm talking to that bloke sitting on your lap."
* * * * *
The butcher replies "I sacked him"
The man says "Sacked him ,why?"
The butcher replies "He kept sticking his dick in the bacon slicer!"
The man, shocked says "So wheres your bacon slicer??"
The butcher says "I fuckin' sacked her as well!!"
guy's will actually SEARCH for a bottle of Jack Daniels.
One day he decided he wanted to buy a big new boat; so he went to his bank to get a loan for the boat. He took, for collateral for the loan, a very tiny miniature piano.
At the bank he went to the chief loan officer, Mr. Paddywhack, told him about his loan request, and showed him his 'collateral'.
Mr. Paddywhack was not sure what to do, so he went to the bank manager, to ask what to do, and to ask him what that 'collateral' item really is.
The bank manager replied:
"It's a knickknack, Paddywhack,
and give the Frog a loan;
his old man's a Rolling Stone."
Bar tender takes one look at the three of them. The bartender then says "
what the hell is this some sort of joke?"
* * * *
(Another of the late great Les Dawson's)
--------------------------------------- added after 21 seconds
* * * * C H I L D - for crying out loud again
--------------------------------------- added after 2 minutes
Using the same criteria, shouldn't the word "boys" be blanked out too?
I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, but I already have one.
A dyslexic guy walks into a bra!
A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next Baby... !"
Because they can!
"OK, dad, what is it you want to know?"
* * * *
"Mummy, I don't like daddy's guts."
"That's all right, son, leave 'em on the side of the plate."
* * * *
Wet,Wet,Wet....
(One of the late great Les Dawson's)
* * * *
Fridge Freezer
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
That's not funny....
I could tell it was going to be a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"
So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
That's how the fight started...
IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. AT WORK you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON you get three meals a day. AT WORK you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON you get your own toilet. AT WORK you have to share with some idiot who pees on the toilet.
IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK you can't speak to your family.
IN PRISON all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out. AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON you must deal with sadistic wardens. AT WORK they are called managers
In PRISON if you don't stand up for yourself, you're gonna get screwed. At WORK you're gonna get screwed constantly regardless and it's horrible, unless you work in porn of course.
This is your asshole after prison: O
The bartender says "Is this a joke ?"
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get that?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a camel.
The pharmacist faints.
Hesitantly, the mailman enters the house. "Hello" he says, "is anyone home?" A woman appears out of a bedroom door at the end of the hall. She's a beautiful, middle aged woman dressed in a sexy black silk teddy. Without saying a word, the woman motions for the mailman to come to the bedroom. The mailman, very confused but certainly excited, follows the woman through the door.
The woman proceeds to undress the mailman slowly, and make love to him. When the mailman is completely exhausted, the woman leads him to the kitchen, hands him a crisp one-dollar bill and begins to cook him a delicious breakfast with all the trimmings.
Still having not exchanged a single word between them, the mailman's curiosity and confusion get the best of him and he breaks the silence...
"Ma'am, I have to say, that was perhaps the best sex I've had in my entire life. And although I am eternally grateful to you for that, I must ask you...'What was that all about?"
The woman replies "Well, you've been delivering our mail everyday for some time now and I knew that today was your last day before retirement. As my husband was leaving for work this morning, I told him that I'd like to do something special for you and asked him what he thought that should be. Without hesitation, my husband said... 'Screw him! Give him a dollar.'"
The woman paused and then said...
"Breakfast was MY idea!"
He only had one bowl.
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