A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

Scientific research has proven that 50% of gay and bisexual men have been so since birth......the other 50% were sucked into it.

did you hear that Ruger is making a new pistol? yea... it will be called the congressman in honor of the house of representatives and the Senate. it doesnt work and you can't fire it.....

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

After a restaurant had closed for the night, a thief broke in and stole all the salt, pepper and vinegar. Police say they are looking for a seasoned criminal

* * * *

These were posted on an Australian tourism website, and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humor (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them die.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.
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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
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Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA)
A: Af-ri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .......
Aust-ra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA)
A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
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Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is ****.
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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-ica, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.
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Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? ( France)
A: Only at Christmas.
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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Old woman come to the doctor with a knife stabbed in her knee. The doctor ask her what happened? She answers: " I tried to kill myself and people said that best and most secure thing to do is to stab the knife two fingers below tits"

P.s. English is not my native language so hope you will understand...

What do call a lesbian with long fat fingers ?

Well hung.....

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur ?

Ilickalotofpuss......

Girl runs home from school and says: "mummy, I've been doing cartwheels in the playground today in front of all the boys. They say I'm ever so good at it."
"Oh you silly girl," replies her mother, "don't you realise all those boys want to see are your knickers?"
"Of course, mummy," the girl replies, "I ain't stupid. That's why I took them off and put them in my bag."

* * * * *

I walked into a pet shop and asked the clerk that I would like to buy a wasp, she said we do not sell wasps then I said but you have one inside the window though

A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump.

A passing guy stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"

The woman said "Hell no... get away from me... you’re a sicko!"

The guy turned to leave and muttered

"Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

Question:

What happened when the two antennas got married?

Answer:

The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was great!

I was walking down the street with an ex one night. We turned a corner and a little further down the road, we saw a group of men attacking her mother.

We stood staring for a couple of seconds, before my ex asked ''Aren't you going to help''?

''No'', I replied, ''It looks like they're managing ok''.

A man goes to the doctor:
"I want a castration"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes"
"Did you talk with your wife about that?"
"Yes, she send me here! Always going 'now go to the doctor and get your castration finally!'"

After the castration he comes home.
Wife: "Did you get your vaccination?"
"Vaccination! That was the word!!"

George Michael was out cruising the woods one night. As he dropped his trousers and bent over the fallen down branch of a tree, an absent-minded bar of chocolate found its way into his arsehole. It was a careless Whispa

Q. What food is scientifically proven to kill a woman's sex drive?

A. Wedding cake

My mate reckons he always cries after sex. Mind you.... He is in Prison.


I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.

Last night I shagged a hooker called Penny – spooky or what

Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night.
Picked her up in a night club. sHe Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman.
Even kissed like a woman.
But as we arrived back at her apartment, she reversed her car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement.
That's when I thought. “Hang about”

Here's a dumb one, but try to forget it: did you hear about the psychic midget who escaped from prison? He's a small medium at large.

I remember the first time I swore in front of my Dad. I was having sex with my girlfriend in my room, when my Dad came in.

''Get out,'' I said, ''I'm fucking my girlfriend''.

I walked into a bar the other night. Banged my head.

Did you hear there's to be a hetero operatic porn film with music by Mozart?

Its going to be called Tutte's Cozy Fanny

* * * *

Adoring fans were shocked today by a report that squeaky clean Cliff Richard had been found slumped in a chair surrounded by drugs and pills.

He'd fallen asleep in the chemist shop.

* * * *

These two old lady died and went to heaven when they got there there ran into each other the first one says how did you die and she says i froze to death the other lady said thats awful and then she said not really you get a warm feeling then you go to ****.
The first lady asked how you die she said i came home home sure of my husband cheating on me and just knew he had another woman in the house so i ran upstairs looking in all the closets and under the beds then i ran down stairs looking in the basement by time i got back up stairs i was exhausted and kild over dead of a massive heart attack.
the first woman said if you would have looked in the fridgerator we both would still be alive.

My missus kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock.
It just reaches the back of her babysitters throat..


I was shagging this married bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said, It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door
Thinking back, I really should have legged it – but you don’t get offers like that every day.


The wife said to me last night. “If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the arse.
Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on
for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly White society.In fact he pointed out,some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural
and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.
After the curator left, a Yorkshire-man approached the couple and said, would you like to know what the painting is really about?
Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery? asked the couple.Because am the guy who painted it, he replied. In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all in this painting.
They're just three Yorkshire coal-miners. The guy in the middle just went home for lunch.

A ventriloquist sets his puppet down and begins his act by making it speak jokes about blonde bimbos. After five minutes, a blonde bimbo in the audience stands up and yells out: "What's the matter with you? All these so-called jokes about ladies just because of the colour of their hair. Don't you realise how offensive it is?"
Mortified, the ventriloquist starts to apologise profusely but again the blonde bimbo interrupts him. "Not you, dickhead," she shouts, "I'm talking to that bloke sitting on your lap."

* * * * *

If men think with their dicks? Then I want someone to blow my mind...

A man walks into a butchers shop orders some bacon then says "Where's your assistant?"
The butcher replies "I sacked him"
The man says "Sacked him ,why?"
The butcher replies "He kept sticking his dick in the bacon slicer!"
The man, shocked says "So wheres your bacon slicer??"
The butcher says "I fuckin' sacked her as well!!"

What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a bottle of Jack Daniels?


guy's will actually SEARCH for a bottle of Jack Daniels.

I once had One2One with a Virgin, she teased me till I had an Erikson, sucked me til my face went Orange, til I busted my Siemen all over her Nokias!

There once was a frog named Kermit Jagger.
One day he decided he wanted to buy a big new boat; so he went to his bank to get a loan for the boat. He took, for collateral for the loan, a very tiny miniature piano.

At the bank he went to the chief loan officer, Mr. Paddywhack, told him about his loan request, and showed him his 'collateral'.

Mr. Paddywhack was not sure what to do, so he went to the bank manager, to ask what to do, and to ask him what that 'collateral' item really is.
The bank manager replied:

"It's a knickknack, Paddywhack,
and give the Frog a loan;
his old man's a Rolling Stone."

What did the leper say to the hooker?? Keep the tip....

A Jew, a Christian, and a Muslim walk into a bar.
Bar tender takes one look at the three of them. The bartender then says "
what the hell is this some sort of joke?"

Enid Finglemaster was a REALLY UGLY ****. She used to ask all the boys in the playground: "give me a kiss or a fiver." By the time she was 12, she'd bought her own house.


* * * *


(Another of the late great Les Dawson's)


--------------------------------------- added after 21 seconds


* * * * C H I L D - for crying out loud again
--------------------------------------- added after 2 minutes

Using the same criteria, shouldn't the word "boys" be blanked out too?

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to ****. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"