What's the difference between an egg and a wank? You can beat an egg but you can't beat a wank.

Q: You know what's fun about being sober? A:Nothing!

I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, but I already have one.


A dyslexic guy walks into a bra!

Q: What is the definition of Confidence?

A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next Baby... !"

Why do dogs lick their balls?

Because they can!

"Son, I want to talk to you about the facts of life."


"OK, dad, what is it you want to know?"


* * * *


"Mummy, I don't like daddy's guts."


"That's all right, son, leave 'em on the side of the plate."


* * * *

What do you call the Three degrees after an orgasm ??

Wet,Wet,Wet....

My wife never stops nagging. The other day, we went for a tandem bike ride but after ten miles I thought I'd gone deaf. Then I looked round and the wife was nowhere to be seen, she'd fallen off several miles back.

(One of the late great Les Dawson's)

* * * *

Jane is called to the hospital to visit her terminally ill husband Jon for the last time. Jane he says , 'I have been told I wont make it through the night so this is the last time we will see one another'. 'Is there anything special I can do for you John ?' she asks . 'Well yes , I would like to make love to you for one last time' says John. So Jane slips into the bed and they get to it . John lies there drifting in and out of conciousness while Jane looks over him . Around 2 am he rallies and says 'I really feel like it again darling , how about it ?' . So once more they are at it , hammer & tongs . At 4 am John comes round once more and asks again . 'No John' says Jane , 'I am tired , its alright for you , you havent got to get up in the morning.'

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Fridge Freezer

I rear ended a car this morning...


I could tell it was going to be a REALLY bad day!


The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!


He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"


So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"


That's how the fight started...

Just in case you ever got these two mixed up, This should make things a bit more clear....

IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. AT WORK you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON you get three meals a day. AT WORK you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON you get your own toilet. AT WORK you have to share with some idiot who pees on the toilet.

IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK you can't speak to your family.

IN PRISON all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out. AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON you must deal with sadistic wardens. AT WORK they are called managers

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The **** seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

An Englishman,Irishman and a Scot walk into the bar...

The bartender says "Is this a joke ?"

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get that?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a camel.

The pharmacist faints.

It's a Mail Carrier's last day of service before his retirement. He walks down the street, delivering mail doorstep to doorstep as he has done everyday for the last 20 years. Approaching one house, the mailman sees a note taped to the front door that simply reads, "Mailman, please come inside".

Hesitantly, the mailman enters the house. "Hello" he says, "is anyone home?" A woman appears out of a bedroom door at the end of the hall. She's a beautiful, middle aged woman dressed in a sexy black silk teddy. Without saying a word, the woman motions for the mailman to come to the bedroom. The mailman, very confused but certainly excited, follows the woman through the door.

The woman proceeds to undress the mailman slowly, and make love to him. When the mailman is completely exhausted, the woman leads him to the kitchen, hands him a crisp one-dollar bill and begins to cook him a delicious breakfast with all the trimmings.

Still having not exchanged a single word between them, the mailman's curiosity and confusion get the best of him and he breaks the silence...

"Ma'am, I have to say, that was perhaps the best sex I've had in my entire life. And although I am eternally grateful to you for that, I must ask you...'What was that all about?"

The woman replies "Well, you've been delivering our mail everyday for some time now and I knew that today was your last day before retirement. As my husband was leaving for work this morning, I told him that I'd like to do something special for you and asked him what he thought that should be. Without hesitation, my husband said... 'Screw him! Give him a dollar.'"

The woman paused and then said...

"Breakfast was MY idea!"

Did you hear about the goldfish who looked like Hitler?
He only had one bowl.

* * * *

So I walked into this bar and five minutes later the EMTs showed up. They had to send 15 people to the hospital for stitches in their head. They asked me what happened and told them I just walked in and announced that I don't like the taste of cum. That's when they fell off their stools and hit their heads on the floor. The EMT asked what was so funny about that. I don't know, I've been giving them all blow jobs for a year now.

Have you heard the new nickname for the iphone ?

It is called the 'clit',because every cunt has to have one..

A blonde bimbo went out fishing and came home with her catch. Later that evening, her boyfriend got home from work and snuggled up to her on the sofa.
"How about a bit of hanky panky, then?" asked the boyfriend.
"Not tonight," replied the blonde bimbo, "I've got a haddock."

* * * *

An elderly hard-of-hearing blonde bimbo was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. She pressed the intercom and asked in a querulous voice: "Yes, who is it?"
"Its the pizza sellers," came the reply.
"Ooh," replied the elderly hard-of-hearing blonde bimbo as she opened the door, "I thought you were ever so good in those Pink Panther films."

* * * *

Johnny is sitting outside the door where a prostitute lives. Suddenly a man comes out. “Hey, I know you!” Johnny says. The man quickly gives him $20 to shut up and gets on his way. Later that day Johnny's mum asks him where he got the money from and Johnny tells her what happened. “Johnny!” his mum says, “That's blackmail. Go to church and make a confession.” So Johnny goes to the church and enters the confession booth. The little curtain opens up and Johnny says: “Now I also know where you work.”

***

In the garden of a rectory there is a big apple tree. The priest is very proud of the nice tree and every year it is loaded with apples. But also every year, just as he wants to go harvest the fruits, all the apples get stolen. Then the priest is fat up with it and thinks: “Not this year!” So he plants a sign under the full tree: 'God sees all'. When he opens the curtains the next morning all the apples are gone and on the sign it reads: '...but he'll never tell.'

***

In a small church, during service, the people see several mice run over the altar.
- “Father, there are mice over there.”
- “I know. I've tried everything to get rid of them, but nothing works.”
An old lady raises her hand and says: “You should baptize them.”
- “Baptize? Does that work?”
- “Well, I've got 6 c-h-i-l-d-r-e-n, all baptized and they never go to church anymore.”

I was walking down the road with my friend when we saw a dog licking it's balls. My friend turned to me saying "I wish I could do that". "I'd pet him first, he looks vicious" I replied

I was walking down the street with my wife and we saw six men beating up my mother in law. The wife asks "Are you going to help?" and I reply "Six should be enough."

Dirty Joke : "A white horse , fell in the Mud" !

Clean Joke : "The Muddy Horse got Washed off , after falling into the mud" !

I'm taking the mother-in-law for a walk across the Pennines on Christmas Day. The search parties have got the day off.

* * * *

I went to the doctor and said: "doctor, can you give me something for wind?"
He gave me a kite.

* * * *

I got home the other night to find my wife crying her eyes out. I said: "what's the matter?"
"I'm homesick," she replied.
I said: "this IS your home."
"I know," she replied, "I'm sick of it."

* * * *
--------------------------------------- added after 4 minutes

My wife was looking at an advert for the world's most expensive fur coat. She said: "I've gotta have that."
So I cut the advert out and gave it to her.

* * * *

I miss the old days, when your sitting on the bus or train and you see an unattended bag and think, "i'll fucking have that!"

How many women with PMT does it take to change a light bulb.

A. three.

Why three???

BECAUSE IT JUST DOES THAT'S WHY!!!!!!

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a **** and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

David Cameron sneered down his Tory toffee-nose at a tramp and asked haughtily: "and what do you do for a living?"
"Absolutely nothing," replied the tramp.
"Ooh," replied Cameron, "what a coincidence."

* * * * *