Harris/Biden!!!

Interview with a pirate

Interviewer: Sir, you seem to have a wooden leg

Cap´n Beard: Aaar, that would be from exchange of cannon fire on the Spanish Main

Interviewer: Sir, you also seem to have a hook for a hand

Cap´n Beard: Yahaar me hearties, that were swordfighting where i lost me hand fighting for treasure

Interviewer: Sir, you wear an eyepatch

Cap´n Beard: Yaar, a seagull!

Interviewer: Ehh???

Cap´n Beard: Aye, flew over me head and shat. So I scratched me eye.....

Why can´t your nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot!

Q: What's the difference between pussy and parsley?

A: Not everyone eats parsley.

There is a couple and she likes watching cooking shows, He said why do you always watch those shows... you ain't even a good cook. She replies.. why do you always watch porn?

I was walking down the street with an ex one night. We turned a corner and a little further down the road, we saw a group of men attacking her mother.

We stood staring for a couple of seconds, before my ex asked ''Aren't you going to help''?

''No'', I replied, ''It looks like they're managing ok''.

A man walks into a butcher's shop, orders some bacon then says "Where's your assistant?"
The butcher replies "I sacked him"
The man says "Sacked him, why?"
The butcher replies "He kept sticking his dick in the bacon slicer!"
The man, shocked, says "So wheres your bacon slicer??"
The butcher says "I fuckin' sacked her as well!!"

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept confidential and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

you take your dog and your wife lock em both In the trunk of your car then come back in 3 hours and see who is wagging their tail happy to see you....

LMAO

What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
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A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?' I said ‘No, six should be enough.'

How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her? She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

The problem with origami is two fold

* * * *

I've got an interview with a mirror factory today. I can just see myself working there.

* * * *

First person: Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. Do you know what it is?

Second person: I've no clue...

First person: They should both be changed regularly… and for the same reason.

________________

Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?

A: Senator.

_________________

Q: Whats the difference between a politician and a snail?

A: One is slimy, a pest, and leaves a trail everywhere and pretends to be doing something good for you; the other is a snail.

_________________

Q: What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow?

A: You can't milk a cow for over 10 years.


_________________

Q: Why is Trump is a bad subject for comedy?

A: He’s shallow and played out, and already what people expect from the comedy about him is bad.

Have you ever watched True Detective series? There was an episode, when the policemen were sitting at an office, and one of them asks another one:

FIRST GUY: Do you know how to call a black guy riding a plane?
SECOND GUY: ... [thinks] ... [thinks] ... [thinks] ... ????
FIRST GUY: A pilot, you racist!

Q: What’s the difference between my car's tire and 365 used condoms?

A: One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.


______


Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?


A: Kick his s1ster in the jaw.


_____


Q: What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check?

A: Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.

______


Q: Why do women have orgasms?

A: Just another reason to moan, really.

Men's Pearls of Wisdom


🌾1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose.


🌾2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.


🌾3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.


🌾4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'


🌾5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.


🌾6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.


🌾7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.


🌾8. Virginity can be cured.


🌾9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.


🌾10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.


🌾11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.


🌾12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sl.eep with the enemy.


🌾13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?

A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.


🌾14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......


🌾15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?

A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't


🌾16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.


🌾17. Despite the old saying, ' Don 't take your troubles to bed', many men still sl.eep with their wives!!


🌾18. Breasts are proof that men can focus on 2 things at a time

The earth is a sphere, what a joke! /forum/thread.php?id=25895#264

Did you hear about the Egyptian mummy they found embalmed in chocolate and nuts? They think it is Pharoah Rocher...

A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar. The bartender takes one look and says, "what is this??? A joke??"

BEAUTY PARLOUR
A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS
The only animal you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage.

INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN
A grape with a sunburn.

S3CRET
A story you tell to one person at a time.

TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES
Something other people have similar to my character lines.

OLD
I very quietly confided to my friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?". And that, my friend, is the definition of old.

In youth, the days are short and the years are long. In old age, the years are short and days long.

A woman was standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off.
A homeless drunk stopped and mumbled,
If you're about to kill yourself, how about a shag before you go
The woman was angry and said,
Now FK Off you filthy old bastard.
The tramp turned to leave and said,

No problems, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then