Three old guys sitting on a bench discussing the world

First guy: It´s terrible. When I gotta pee, I squeeze and squeeze for ages but it only dribbles out slowly.

Second guy: You think you got problems? When I shit, I sit on the pot for hours and push for ages before anything happens

Third guy: At 6 o clock I piss like a horse and at 7 o clock I shit like a mule.

Other guys: Wow, lucky you! So what´s the problem?

Third guy: I only wake up at 8 o clock

A man walks into a bar. As he sits down, he looks up and notices three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender “what’s with the meat?”

The bartender says, “If you can jump up and slap all three pieces at once, you get free drinks for an hour. If you miss even one, you have to pay for everyone else’s drinks for the rest of the night. Wanna give it a go?”

The man takes another look at the meat, then says, “I think I’ll pass. The steaks are too high.”

Ahh this is a dick.... Tada!

Coming out of the supermarket the other day, a woman was crying her eyes out saying she'd lost all her holiday money. Felt sorry for her so I gave her 50 quid.

I wouldn't normally do that sort of thing, but I'd just found two grand in the car park.

Why do all alter boys have that hairstyle with the straight part down the middle?

Because the priest likes to stroke the hair that way..

No offense intended. I was raised Catholic.

What did the blond man say to the other blind man?......long time no see? lol

Why did the hippy not believe in the Mississippi

Because hippies don´t marry

Nurse: Sir, you really must stop masturbating

Me: Is it because I could go blind?

Nurse: No, it´s because I´m trying to examine you

Did you hear about the cat that caught coronavirus?
Don't ask me 'ow.

* * * *

A fairground worker recently got the sack. He is suing his bosses for funfair dismissal.

* * * *

I went to the liquor store yesterday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in my bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I should fall off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I decided to drink the bottle of Scotch before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home!

Three elderly ladies were sitting on a park bench. Suddenly a guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed them. Two of the ladies had a stroke, the third couldn't reach....

I bought my sneakers off a drug dealer. I don't know what they are laced with, but I've been tripping all day.

A man sees a sign outside a house:
'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk"...? He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story"...?
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired"...!
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply"...?
"Because he's a lying cunt. He's never been out of the garden"..

In the restroom at the restaurant we were at last night there was a sign on the wall that said "Employees must was hands" After waiting 15 damn minutes I got fed up and washed em myself.

Harris/Biden!!!

Interview with a pirate

Interviewer: Sir, you seem to have a wooden leg

Cap´n Beard: Aaar, that would be from exchange of cannon fire on the Spanish Main

Interviewer: Sir, you also seem to have a hook for a hand

Cap´n Beard: Yahaar me hearties, that were swordfighting where i lost me hand fighting for treasure

Interviewer: Sir, you wear an eyepatch

Cap´n Beard: Yaar, a seagull!

Interviewer: Ehh???

Cap´n Beard: Aye, flew over me head and shat. So I scratched me eye.....

Why can´t your nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot!

Q: What's the difference between pussy and parsley?

A: Not everyone eats parsley.