When I die I hope I go like my dear old dad, peacefully in my ****... Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

My little worthless dick trying to satisfy a women!

3 guys get pulled over by a woman cop while they’re driving down the road smoking a big ol’ spliff.

They asked if there was anything they could do to get out of a citation, so the woman cop smirked and said, “If all three of you boys have 15 inches of dick between you, I’ll let you go.”

So the guys look to eachother and nod, and all agree to the terms.

The driver pulls out his dick, the cop measures it and says, “7 inches, not bad.”

The guy in the front of the passenger seat pulls his out, and the cop measures it and says, “6 inches.”

The last guy in the back has a nervous look on his face but finally pulls his out and the cop (after she stops laughing) measures it and says, “2 inches. Looks like you guys just barely squeaked by!”

So they get out of the ticket and go back to the first guy’s house for a beer. After a couple of drinks they start bragging.

The first guy says, “You guys are lucky that I had seven inches.”

And then the second guy says, “You guys are lucky that I had six inches.”

And then the third guy says, “You guys are lucky that I had a hard-on!”

A guy goes on to a ship to sail the world, but he notices no women on board, so he runs to the Captain.
'Captain captain.! theres no women on board what will be do for pleasure'???
Captain say, 'Ohh... dont worry me laddie just stick ur dick in that barrel and everything will be alright while we're at sea'.
So after a few weeks at sea the guy sticks his dick in the barrel and gets a wonderful blow job.
So he does this every day after that until one day he sticks his dick in the barrel and nothing happened.
So he runs to the captain and says 'Captain captain! I stuck my dick in the barrel and nothing happened'.
Captain says 'Ohhh I forgot to tell you laddie its your turn in the barrel!'

"Do you know what's worse than ants in your pants?" ........... "Uncles"

A father bought a new cot for his baby and put a tin lid on top to stop the cat getting in. One day, he inadvertently left his hat on the lid when a playwright friend of his walked in.
"Oh boy," said the playwright, "you've just given me the title I've been searching for, for my new play."
"What's that?" the father replied.
"Hat on a Cot Tin Roof," the playwright replied.

* * * *
--------------------------------------- added after 2 minutes

A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blo od."

"How much do you get paid for giving blo od?"

"About $20."

"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.

The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.

"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"

"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

I'd like to di e peacefully in my sle ep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and crying like his passengers.

My hamster died the other day. He fell asleep at the wheel

Donald Trump will win the elections

Aladdin and the genie:
only registered users can see external links

What is the difference between Broccoli and Boogers...Kids don't eat Broccoli...

bit late for Xmas and its originally from a departed member, not sure who they were but there number was 444014
l liked it and had a chuckle *lix*


'Twas the night before Christmas,and just for a stunt..
Santa buried his face in some hookers cunt...

There was a loud noise,and he jumped with a start.
It seems that the hooker cut loose with a fart.

All he could do,was splutter and spit.
His face and his beard were all plastered with shit.

The hooker just sat there,perched on the bed,
Panting and groaning,but her face turning red.

Santa was laughing and said with a cheer,
"I know what I'll do,I'll screw one of the deer."

They're cleaner and neater,and don't you suppose,
They'll be the right height,if I stand on my toes.

The hooker so puzzled,was scratching her head..
But which one is Rudolph and is there a Fred ?

This one was posted here /forum/thread.php?id=22898&p=1#t416631 by spermkiss. Credit to him.

A guy was in a sex question contest and he took along a French man to help him out if needed, but he didn't want to ask for help if he didn't need it.

The first question he was asked was: "You are with a beautiful nude woman, where is the first place you would kiss her?" He quickly answered "On the mouth." Next question: "Where is the second place you'd kiss her?" "On the breast." These answers were correct so the third question was: "Where is the third place you'd kiss her?"

This question made him very uncomfortable and he thought about it and began to squirm. Finally he turned to the French man who said "Don't look to me for help, I would have gotten the first two wrong."

4 nuns stand in line ready to confess their sins to the priest.
1st one enters..

Nun1: ''Father,forgive me for i have sinned.I seen the male thing''.
Priest: ''Say 10 Our Fathers and wash your eyes in the Holy water''.

2nd nun enters..

Nun2: ''Forgive me Father for i have sinned.I've touched male thing''.
Priest: ''Say 20 Our Fathers and wash your hand in the Holy water''.

3th nun wants to enter but 4th one pushes her and enters before her..

Nun4: ''Father!You are crazy if you think I will wash my mouth after She washes her ass in the Holy water''!!

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud)
English - Chinese

That's not right! Sum Ting Wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Ha i Ding
See me ASAP Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man Dum Fuk
Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table! Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift! Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here! Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet! Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone! No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week! Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka
Your body odour is offensive Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great Fa Kin Su Pa

Paul to Jane: Would you like to be my girlfriend?
Jane: That’s a bit direct. Can’t you come up with something more beautiful?
Paul: I tried, but they didn’t want.

A baby seal walks into a club!

The devil suddenly appears in the church service. All the people run screaming from the church except for one old man. The devil walks up to him and says, "Aren't you afraid of me?" The old man answers, "Naw, I'm married to your ****."

It is so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small ****. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your ****'s name, Penny." At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

I see the Ronald McDonald House had another fund raiser,they got like 90 plus million bucks....... How Big a house that Fuckin' Clown need?

A horse had to have an operation. Afterwards, the vet said it was in a stable condition.

* * * *

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”

Here's another joke: Hillary may win the elections.

What is better then a cold bud? A warm Bush...