THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE
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AGE DRINK

17 beer
25 vodka
35 scotch
48 double scotch
66 Maalox



SEDUCTION LINE

17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fianc�e is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.



FAVORITE SPORT

17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 sex
66 napping



DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."



FAVORITE FANTASY

17 getting to third
25 airplane sex
35 menage a trois
48 taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave



HOUSE PET

17 roaches
25 stoned-out college roommate
35 German Shepherd
48 **** from his first marriage
66 Barbi



WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17
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THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

AGE DRINK

17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser



EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES

17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to colour my hair
48 Need to have Francois colour my hair
66 Need to have Francois colour my wig



FAVORITE SPORT

17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping



DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "Burger King"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
66 "Home Alone"



FAVORITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man



HOUSE PET
17 Muffy the cat
25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 German Shepherd and Muffy the Cat
48 **** from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muff the Cat



WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66



IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast

Last night I tried a new imported exotic meat from Kashyyyk for dinner. I waited, and waited for the price of Wookie to drop, and finally scored at $1.00 a pound. I threw it in the crock pot. After my first bite I couldn't figure out what all the fuss was about. It turned out to be a "Little Chewy."

Here's a good one I saw on the internet today ... and it's a story we all know , but it does have a twist like we never heard before ... with a real happy ending ............... So hope you like it !!!

Lil Red Riding Hood got ready and was leaving her mother's house. Her mom said... ''Now remember Lil Red Riding Hood..the big bad wolf is out there and you know what he will do to you. He will pull up your lil red dress, pull down your lil red panties and fuck your lil red socks off.''

Lil Red Riding Hood pulled out her shot gun..''Dont worry mom..I got it covered''

So she got her basket that was filled with jellies and rolls and headed to her Grandmaw's house. Along the way she ran into a rabbit...he asked, ''Where are you going Lil Red Riding Hood?''

She said, ''I am off to my Grandmaw's with a basket of goodies''

The rabbit said, ''Lil Red Riding Hood, you better be careful..the big bad wolf is out there and you know what he will do to you. He will pull up your lil red dress, pull down your lil red panties and fuck your lil red socks off.''

Lil Red Riding Hood held up her shot gun, ''Dont worry Mr Rabbit... I got it covered''. So she went on her way.

Soon the big bad wolf jumped out in front of her and asked, ''Lil Red Riding Hood, where are you going?''

She said, ''I am off to my Grandmaw's with a basket of goodies''

He said, ''You should not be out here..you know what I am going to do to you. I am going to pull up your lil red dress, pull down your lil red panties and fuck your lil red socks off.''

Lil Red Riding Hood jerked up her lil red dress... pulled down her lil red panties and layed down on the ground. She pointed the shot gun at him and said, ''Oh no you're not... You're going to eat me like the book says !!!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home...

***

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

***

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."

A guy offers a girl a drink, but the girl says alcohol is bad for her legs,

The guy asks "Do they swell?"

The girl replies "No they spread"

A married couple is lying in bed one night.

The wife is curled up, ready to go to sl.eep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits.

He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.

The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him.

The husband is confused and asks, Why are you taking off your clothes?

His wife replies, You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay.

The husband says, No, not at all.

His wife asks angrily, Well, what the hell were you doing then?

I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.

Boss: Hey, idiot! You are late to work AGAIN!!!
Employee: Sorry, Boss... It's just that my wife is going to have a baby...
Boss: Really? Congratulations!
Employee: Thank you!!!
Boss: And when is it going to be born?
Employee: In nine months...

The husband is not at home. The wife is spending time with another man. She heard the keys jangling at the front door so she told the man to hide in the wardrobe. She puts her hands together , looks at the sky and prays. Oh God, you can do whatever with me but please don't let my husband find out because he would kill us both. The heavens opened and God says " Ok as you wish but in 3 years I am going to bring you to heaven and you will drown ".
She replies yes anything you ask for as long as he doesn't find out. Everything is fine and time passes. The woman doesn't have a bath, she doesn't go swimming. She is trying to avoid the water. 5 years pass and she totally forgets about her promise to God. She buys a round the world cruise. The boat is full of women, they are all having fun. The boat slowly starts to sink. The woman remembers her promise to God. She gets down on her knees, puts her hands together, looks at the sky and says " Oh God, now you want to take me? Look around and see how many innocent women are going to die here with me ". The heavens opened again and God says " 2 years, 2 bloody years it has taken me to get all you cheating whores together on one boat ".

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator." Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?" "And so, here we are!"

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them; they said it would be just like winning Lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

Valentine's Day Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's lousy at snooker.

I asked a Chinese girl for her phone number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started
massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front
turned and snarled, "Just what the hell are you doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a massage therapist and I could see that you
were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help
practicing my art!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for the
IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"

Two candles were having a conversation.
"What you doing later?" asked one.
"Going out," the other replied.

* * *

Two candles were having a fierce argument. After 10 minutes, one of them said: "for fuck sake, will you shut up. You're getting on my wick."

* * *

My hamster died the other day. It fell asleep at the wheel.

* * *

A guy drove up a farm track and accidentally ran over a cockerel. He knocked on the door of the farmhouse and a blonde bimbo answered.
"I'm ever so sorry," said the man, "but I've just run over and killed one of your cockerels. I'd like to replace it."
"Please yourself," the blonde bimbo replied, "the hens are round the back."

* * *

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman went into a pub. "Is this some kind of joke?" asked the barman.

* * *

An Irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman were lined up in front of the firing squad.
"Have you any final requests?" asked the executioner to the Irishman.
"Yes," replied the Irishman, "I'd like to hear a choir singing "If You're Irish, Come Into The Parlour."
The executioner then turned to the Scotsman and said: "Have you any final requests?"
"Yes" replied the Scotsman, "I want to hear 400 bagpipe players playing "Scotland the Brave."
The executioner then turned to the Englishman and said:
"Have you any final requests?"
"Yes," replied the Englishman, "shoot me first."

* * *
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Altar boy caught a priest masturbating and asked:
What are you doing father???
Priest: I am masturbating my son and soon you will be doing it too...
Boy: how comes???
Priest: my wrist is sore

I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it. You never know when you might need a nail *lix*

A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here?", he asks. The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up." The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. "I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal!"

A boss said to his secretary "I want to have sex with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw £1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done". She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, "do it but ask him for £2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself". So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, "what happened?" She responds, "The bastard used pennies, I'm still picking and he's still fucking!"

A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

The guy behind the counter says, “Male or female?”

The customer says, “Female”

The counter guy asks, “Black or white?”

The customer says, “White”

The counter guy asks, “Christian or Muslim?”

The customer says, “What the hell does religion have to do with it?”

The counter guy says, “The Muslim one blows itself up!”

Did you hear there's going to be a new heterosexual porn film with all the action taking place in a magical flying car? Its going to be called TITTY TITTY GANG BANG

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

By turning your underpants inside out you can wear them for and extra three days.

Help conserve toilet paper. Use both sides.