A bloke winds up in hospital beaten to a pulp.
What the hell happened to you, his mate asks on a visit to the hospital.
You wouldn't believe my bad luck mate he gasps,I walked into the local pub and some dirty bastard's dog had shit right in the doorway,
That's no good mate, slipping in dog shit and busting yourself up
No that's not the worst of it mate,
Why what happened?
Well, I've picked myself up, went to the bar, and rubbing my sore back ordered a beer. You wouldn't believe what happened next.I don't know mate, what?
Well in through the door walks a nine foot Hell's Angel biker.Don't tell me the f.ker picked a fight with you mate
No, He walked into the pub and slipped arse over tit on that same slippery dog shit I did,
So he fell over knocked you off your stool,
Nah mate, I laughed and pointed at him and said- I just did that...

I went to a disco last night.They played the twist,so I did the twist
then they played Jump.so I jumped.
then they played Come on Eileen, I got kicked out for that one.

Two nuns sat at traffic lights in their car when a car load of young lads pulls up along side.
Oi, get your tits out penguins, shouts one of the lads.
The Mother Superior turns to **** Imaculada, "I don't think they know who we are, show them your cross,
So **** Imaculada winds down her window and shouts, "Fuck off you little wankers, before I rip your bollocks off,

One time I was engaged to a lovely young girl we where about to get married but then she decided my penis was to big so we had to break it off

What is the best thing to come out of a penis? The wrinkles

A friend of mine was invited to an S & M party. He asked the host: "shall I bring some drink with me?"

"Don't bother," the host replied, "we'll be having a whip-round."


* * * *


John and his wife Dawn were crazy about sex. One night they were so horny, they were still at it at 6 o'clock in the morning. Just as Dawn was getting into position for John to lick her ass, their lodger Pete walked in after a night on the town.

"Oh sorry, John," said Pete, "didn't expect to see you up at the crack of dawn."


* * * *


A vicar was walking through a red light district when he heard a bloke ask a lady of the night: "how much for a blowjob?"

"Twenty quid," the bloke replied.

The vicar walked on and a few yards later he heard another bloke ask another lady of the night the same question and get exactly the same answer.

Somewhat mystified, as he didn't know what a blowjob was, the vicar decided to stop off at the abbey on the way home and have a word with his friend, the Reverend Mother.

"Reverend Mother, may I ask a question?"

"Of course."

"What's a blowjob?"

"Twenty quid," the Reverend Mother replied, "same as it is in town."


* * * *


A blonde bimbo was driving down the motorway doing her knitting at the same time. A cops patrol car caught up and as it overtook, the officer in the passenger seat wound down his window and shouted: "pullover."

"No," shouted back the blonde bimbo, "it's a scarf."


* * * *

This is not a joke, just a silly message I received from a fun guy. He said he almost engaged in a three some last night, sadly he was two people short. Poor guy!