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Started by #423718 [Ignore] 26,Feb,14 03:52
New Comment Rating: 5 Similar topics: 1.===== Joke Of The Day ===== 2.Anybody got a good joke! 3.small hands 4.Joke Central 5.It just a joke Comments: | ||
Thinking to keep a bit of spice in the nascent relationship, I said, “Just leave it blank.”
She got angry at that; her jaw tightened. “Sir,” she intoned, “We do NOT send out flowers without some sort of signature; not from THIS shop. I need at least your first name. WHAT IS YOUR NAME?”
Well, I could see I was defeated on that issue, so I said, “OK – my name is Anon.” (I made it rhyme with “cannon.”)
“Anon?” she repeated. “I’ve never heard of that name. How do you spell it?”
“A, N, O, N,” I told her. She gave me a slight nod of superiority and wrote it down.
My wife still has the card.
Must be too subtle....
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a mathematics teacher. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant Rugby coach. He is young, virile, and (like your secretary) 18 years old. As a successful businessman with a mathematical brain, you will understand that we are in the same situation, but with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow!!!
The first lady has a stroke, the second one had a stroke and fainted.
The third lady wouldn't touch it
Because they're always on Howliday.
Also because they eat all the doghnuts that Ted brings in.
Michael fits Patrick and
Patrick fits Michael
Because he was peddling
For loafing
You put the software in to the computer and
you put the hardware in to the human.
What do you call a mushroom with a 10" Penis ?
A fungi to be with.
Outside O’Connor’s Pub, standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub, was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick with a piece of string dangling in the water.
A passer-by stopped and asked him, “What are you doing?”
“Fishing,” replied the old man.
Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, “Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me."
In the warm ambiance of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gent, being a bit of a superior smart Alec, cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?”
“You’re the 8th”, replied the old man.
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She insisted on speaking to the president of the Bank in order to open a savings account because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After much discussion an employee took her to the office of the president.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit.
She said $165,000.
Curious, he asked her how she had saved such a large sum of money.
The old lady said she made bets.
The president, quite surprised, asked: “What kind of bets?”
The old lady said: “For example, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square”.
The president started to laugh and pointed out that this kind of bet was impossible to win.
The old lady replied: “Would you like to make a bet?”
“Certainly”, answered the president, “I can guarantee you that my testicles are not square”.
The old lady then said to him:
“Given the size of the bet, I’ll come back tomorrow at 10am with my lawyer as a witness, if that’s ok with you”.
“No problem” said the president.
That evening, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of his mirror examining his testicles, turning them in all directions, again and again, in order to make sure that his testicles could not be seen as square and therefore be sure to win this bet.
On the next day, 10am sharp, the old lady arrived with her lawyer at the president's office.
The president then dropped his trousers so that she and her lawyer could see everything.
The old lady came closer and said that given the amount money involved, she needed to touch them to be completely certain. The president agreed and the old lady, smiling, started examining his testicles.
At that point the president looked up to see the lawyer banging his head against the wall.
“What's his problem?”, he asked the old lady.
To which she answered: “I bet him $100,000 that at around 10am today I would be holding the testicles of the president of the Bank of America in my hand.”
The other end is stuck in Da Pudd'ins zipper.
Christopher Walken
How do you get 3 gay men off of your couch?
Jerk one off and the other 2 will cum!
[deleted image]
A, Come in different colours
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.
Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?
Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew.
Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.
The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
"I have to do that or Daddys belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny"
'Well thats not going to work'
"Why not darling?"
'Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again'
and said "I caught your accent, you ladies from Scotland?"
They replied, "Wales, you idiot!"
He says, "Sorry, you whales from Scotland?"
Needless to say he got fucked instead fucking them.
His mom became flustered. She knew he was not ready for the birds and the bee talk. So, she muttered the first thing that came to her mind, “they are having a fish fry Johnny.”
“Oh, that’s what you call it,” Johnny quietly said.
His mom smiled, she knew she dodged a bullet for a few more years.
They turned off the highway and onto a country road. Within a few miles, “Mommy, look at those two horses. They are having a fish fry.”
His mom smiles, “that’s right Johnny. They are having a fish fry.
They finally reach grandpa’s farm and after dinner on the second night, they sat out in the front porch swing. Two rabbits started going at it and caught Johnny’s eye. “Mommy, Mommy, look at those two rabbits. They are having a fish fry.”
Grandpa started to correct little Johnny, and received a sharp elbow to his rib cage before he got the hint. “Yep, they are having one wing-ding of a fish fry Johnny,” grandpa said with a grin.
Little Johnny and his mom returned home after a few days. His mom made a large dinner for his dad as thanks for allowing her to visit her father. After bath time little Johnny was tucked in for the night.
The mom was horny. She slipped out of her bathrobe, and rode her husband for a while. The headboard was clanking, the moans were even louder, and the spasm of her husband’s cock caused her to climax. Before she could get up to clean herself up she heard the TV in the front room. She became pissed that Johnny snuck back down stairs.
She donned her robe and hurried to the front room. “What are you doing out of bed,” she asked firmly.
“Your fish fry was too loud for me to s-l-e-e-p so I came down to watch TV.”
She became embarrassed, “what on Earth makes you think we were having a fish fry Johnny?”
Little Johnny looks her in the eye, and without missing a beat, “you can’t lie to me mommy. Not while you still have tartar sauce running down your leg.”
A You can slee.p with a light on.
---------------------------------------
Q Why is sex like a bridge game?
A You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
---------------------------------------
Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
---------------------------------------
Q Sex is like math. Why?
A Add a bed, Subtract the clothes, Divide the legs, and pray you don’t Multiply!
---------------------------------------
Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back !!!
--------------------------------------- added after 7 minutes
Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
--------------------------------------- added after 10 minutes
Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!
--------------------------------------- added after 10 minutes
Q. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years, your job will still suck.
First guy: It´s terrible. When I gotta pee, I squeeze and squeeze for ages but it only dribbles out slowly.
Second guy: You think you got problems? When I shit, I sit on the pot for hours and push for ages before anything happens
Third guy: At 6 o clock I piss like a horse and at 7 o clock I shit like a mule.
Other guys: Wow, lucky you! So what´s the problem?
Third guy: I only wake up at 8 o clock
The bartender says, “If you can jump up and slap all three pieces at once, you get free drinks for an hour. If you miss even one, you have to pay for everyone else’s drinks for the rest of the night. Wanna give it a go?”
The man takes another look at the meat, then says, “I think I’ll pass. The steaks are too high.”
I wouldn't normally do that sort of thing, but I'd just found two grand in the car park.
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